Creepypasta Critic 9: Behem(an)oth, (Big) BRO(ther) KEN (
Author's Note: 'A tip of the hat to Bonesy for suggesting Behemoth to the Critic. No matter the length, shit is still shit! It's surprising how Behemoth still manages to maintain a spot on the Creepypasta Wiki, but different strokes, different folks, different levels of intelligence, I suppose. -American Titan '(Hello, I'm the Creepypasta Critic. I remember it because TRIPLE DECKER OF SHITTY STORIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's right: now instead of waiting forever for me to tear apart ONE long ass pasta, I'm entering the mindset of me being able to tackle 3 terrible tragedies in one! My, how I've grown. It feels like it was only yesterday since I drank an entire can of Four Loco over Sonic.exe. So, in celebration of the latest advancement added into the show since that Aladdin...satanic thing & that Time...jounel, I present to you Behemoth, BROKEN, and King Of Equestria. So grab your fishing rods, get ready for a story that was supposed to appeal to extreme Creepypasta fans, and try not to be turned into an alicorn; this is my first triple decker rant!) As long as fishermens' (Fishermens? Fishermen's? Fisher'mens? Fisherme'ns?) tales have been told, there is always a recurring one. It speaks of the Behemoth. (Oh......kay.....Thank you for going into SUCH DETAIL before the big reveal!) Seemingly sentient',' this creature does not feed on humans, but finds delight in torturing them in the most gruesome ways possible. (Fucking great. How the fuck can a fish torture you without using it's mouth?) After being swallowed whole (IT'S BIG ENOUGH TO SWALLOW MULTIPLE HUMANS? WHAT? YOU NEVER EXPLAINED THIS AT ALL!), you enter a tunnel (I'm extremely terrified of this! A fish that has an esophagus big enough for a tunnel? IT'S ALL SO REALISTIC!) 'filled with extremely foul and noxious '(lolololololol im so smart) a'(ss)'id. You will feel a larger (judge) dread than you could have ever imagined. Unspeakable horrors fill your mind until you can think of nothing else. (The horrors of.....being inside of a stomach!..............OOOOOOOOH!) Once you are on the verge of killing yourself, (So, instead of any fisherman trying to save their own life by taking any spare parts they had with them while fishing, like spare fishing hooks, and try to kill the Behemoth by scraping open its stomach, they just automatically assume they're gonna die & want to kill themselves?) the Behemoth expels you, always near other humans (that are all suicidal and thus are going to kill themselves sometime in the future). If you do not succeed in killing these humans (Wait! Now this story shifts to fishermen killing other fishermen with no prompting at all? What is the writer trying to accomplish with this? Expand on this idea and write a longer pasta! IT'S NOT HARD IN THE SLIGHTEST EXCEPT IF THE WRITER'S A RETARD!), you will most likely be taken to a mental asylum to spend the rest of your life. (How the fuck could someone be taken into a mental asylum if they're stuck in a gigantic stomach of a fish?) If you do succeed in killing them, you will regain your sanity, (I think if a gigantic fish swallowed you, you would be scarred for life.) but at what price? (You can't use money in this scenario! YOU'RE STUCK IN A FISH'S STOMACH! OK? FUCK THIS SHIT, I DON'T CARE! NEXT!) this my atempt at creepypasta (Oh no! It's like I'm reading Aladdin Is Dead all over again!!!) TO EXTREME CREEPYPASTA FANS LIKE ME GOOD LUCK SLEEPING MUAHAHA (I'm sure I won't have any problems sleeping tonight. Thanks for your concern, though.) Section heading THIS IS... broken (It sure is. This is broken beyond all belief.) my creepypasta hope you like it now on to the first chapter AFTERMATH. (What, was the idiot writer typing this up in school?) oh this is about a kid who is not friends with the girl he loves anymore (Exposition, exposition! Rush it out ASAP!) becuase she doesnt like hurting him (Worst way to break up EVER. What, did the guy get an erection every time his dad burned a cigar on his arm?) Section heading this my atempt at creepypasta TO EXTREME CREEPYPASTA FANS LIKE ME GOOD LUCK SLEEPING MUAHAHAAFTERMATH: (I did not edit that. The writer just handed me repetiton in his story on a silver platter.) I cant focus at all i feel dead (Oh, if only.) i cant be happy anymore life isnt the same with out her i miss her so much (Dude, if you need someone to hurt you, I'm right here.) i got to life through it because she wouldnt want me to die (OK, I have no idea whether this "break up because the girl hates hurting people" is supposed to be good or bad.) 'why did she have to drop me last night i saw slender '(SLENDERMAN! SLENDERMAN, WHAT? WHAT? SLENDERMAN, WHAT?) 'and then i had an out of body experience i was staring at my own bloody corpse that had a slit throat my bloody corpse was crying blood and was smiling very devilishly '(How the fuck can you be happy and sad at the same time? And IT'S YOUR CORPSE! HOW CAN CORPSES HAVE EMOTIONS?) i tried to wake up but i wasnt dreaming then i went into my body and looked in the mirror and i looked fine. (Um............if that corpse shit wasn't a dream, then..........WHAT JUST HAPPENED?) My rj persona faded from me (Oh, after you, my good sir! Please explain who the fuck RJ is and why I'm supposed to give a shit about him!) and broke me worse redstonejesus (Redstonejesus................I have.......nothing to say! It pretty much explains itself!) was what defined me but without her im not rj im my own worst enemy bloodshed my new persona it is the slim shady version of me. (I need to ask that downtown drug dealer what he sold me before I started this review.) I hate myself now (You and me both, buddy!) i cant look in the mirror without feeling pain. Let me back up about nine or ten months the summer if 2012 (Dis dated.) i met her she was beautiful and very interesting i fell for her hard (Must of been some "hard" that she had.) she made feel like something more than i empty shell (Fun fact: Humans never had protective shells on their backs throughout the entire lifespan of the universe.) im crying as im writing this (And I'm crying as I read this.) my sanity is slipping away i know should get help but it wont help she kept my sane (Just file a complaint to the divorce court. I'm sure you can get your sane back, along with your old bed that she got in the breakup.) she promised she wouldn't give up on me but she did why why (He said "why" twice? Why?) now bloodshed has control of my mind i feel violent i think violent i talk violent (i jack off violent, i watch violent, i eat violent, i piss on my pet cat violent, i love to collect My Little Pony toys violent, i violent violent). I dont know who long i can last like i said before my sanity is slipping (Tell "my sanity" to watch out for those pesky banana peels next time she goes out for a stroll! Oh, quit booing me!) so if i write repeatedly (OH GOD, THAT IS A HORRIBLE IDEA! DON'T WRITE ANOTHER CREEPYPASTA FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!) im taking this hard she was my other half (So, our main protagonist is half of a human body?) i know ill say that agian but it doesnt matter right now point is i love her i dont if i keep saying that dont like it dont read it (don't) 'will be said alot this is my heart break journal now ill continue the aftermath the more disturbing part of this story just warning uAFTERMATH 2: '(That actually had a nice beat to it! "War-ning you, af-ter-math two! War-ning you, af-ter-math two!") after that day started my crying my eyes out (Use Clear Eyes for dry, red eyes. (Or wet, red eyes in this scenario.)) when the room was shaking and i felt light headed and suddenly everything went (coal) 'black '(and de sebben dwarfs) luckily i was on my bed sitting down when i fainted after i fainted i woke up five minutes later (And it was all a dream. End of story, goodbye!) i couldn't remember the past day (Damn. More shittyness awaits us in this misrable, neutered "creepypasta".) until i looked at my droid then it all came back to me i cried harder i wanted to die but i could not (Sure you can! Here, let me gladly show you how!) i would have never knew if she was going to talk to me agian but still anyway u started to vision myself brutally stabbing her screaming "why how could you i loved u and u put me through all that for u f### u''' we could have been together but u did that what the hell" i was scared out of my mind i screamed what the f### is happening to me '(It's the shrooms, man. You can't trust Domino's when it comes to them putting portabella mushrooms on your slice.) '''ahh then i accepted this becuase i figured im just pissed shrugged it off '(i must be just perinoid i should get to sleep) but then i had another vision it was....VISION: (Woah! The protagonist's vision was nicknamed "Vision"! You can clearly see the creativity that went into making this masterpiece!) 'u know there is a reason i call myself bloodshed i said the scene faded to black then i was staring into the eyes of what looked like some random girl my age until i saw clearer it was not a girl it was.. my minecraft skin '(Now the writer has resorted to bringing Minecraft randomly into this COMPLETELY SCARY pasta! This writer has got his shit together!) which i made for my old persona redstonejesus (Yep. Definitely.) but that it was really the girl i loved (So,..........which is it? The Minecraft skin or the girl?) 'i said her name and screamed die you b##### it zoomed out she was chained down with tape over her mouth i slit her throat rip her eyes out '(I think this protagonist would make good friends with the protagonist from "The real story of ticci toby".) 'litterally i whispered all i wanted '(for Christmas, is you!!!) 'was a second chance but no... you will burn in hell b##### '(The fact that the writer of this pasta is afraid of swearing clearly shows the writer's age.) 'AFTERMATH 3: i snapped out of it ran to my bathroom and vomited then i ran to my room get my other best friend for help but i saw something in the coner of my eye it was....The thing '(Aw, no way! That's awesome! I still remember the time I saw Mr. Fantastic in my local mall! When his head fell off of his costume, revealing a generic employee, I was scarred for the rest of my days in kindergarten.): the thing was me bloodied and mangled (No, I would say that The Thing is more of an orange, rock-like creature.) he called himself bloodshed like i do but he was all menacing he had my voice he now it said "hi RestoneJesus" i was terrified i replied with "I not rj im too much as a eff up to be " (I just realized it, but it seems like this pasta symbolizes the writer's life!) it said "you a rj" no face your fate then it disappeared. (Yes. That ending made perfect sense. Yessir. No childish wording errors for me....................................Just kidding, I have no idea what the fuck just happened. NEXT!) Hey I'm Michael, a normal teenager. (If you have a Creepypasta written about you, I'm positive that you aren't normal!) 'One day I got home from school and there was a portal in my room '(Oh...kay. So,...does this take place in modern reality?) and I thouht F*ck yeah and I went through it. ("There's a mysterious portal in my room, and portals haven't been invented yet!..........FUCK YEAH! I'M GOING INSIDE!") 'There were colors everywhere '(Such important detail!) 'as I fell through time and space and landed a minute later on a hard ground. Everything was all colorful and I looked around. The magical place seemed to be filled with these weird colorful creatures like ponies or some shit '(Look closely! If it's some shit, than the colorful creatures will all be brown! I told you to stop booing me earlier!) and I'm like holy shit I must be in Equestria! (Quick assumption, my young one....................or he's probably correct, in that case, he's cheating in his writing.) I landed in some town and looked around at a castle in he distance. That must be canterlot! (Oh. He's correct. Thanks, writer!) I yelled, and then I realized I was the only man in the world, (Like I'm the only one that you'll ever love! ''' '''Like I'm the only one who knows your heart! Only man in the world!) ' and therfore the most awesome. All of a sudden I got surrounded by a beam of magic light and then thrown to the ground. When I opened my eyes, I wasnt a human guy anymore but I was an ALICORN! '(I guess that "magic light" was more convenient than that orb from "Elf Bowling: The Movie"! And before you say anything: Yes, that movie was a REAL THING!) It was so awesome as I looked at my new body. (This protagonist is just so chill. I would be confused out of my mind in this situation.) I had a electric green striped mane all jagged and a muscley black body and bat wings that were also black. I had a really giant horn and could do the best magic in the land with it. I also had a cutie mark that was a lightning bolt dripping with blood (That marking doesn't even come CLOSE to the description of "cute".) 'and it was f*cking awesome. All of a sudden there was this pink pony with curly pink hair '(I'm the smartest protagonist in the world! It's not like I could...research the pony's name up, especially since she's one of the main characters of FIM! No, I got this up in my brain!) 'coming at me and I'm like hello pony! '(Hello Pony: the newest addition to the Sanrio family!) '''She didnt say anything she just looked at me all lusty and I introduced myself. I am Lightning Thundercrash, I was a normal human teenager but now Im a pony in Equestria! (Pinkie Pie: "I've made lots of parties for everypony to come to, but I've never seen anypony on the drug that you're taking right now!")' Her eyes got wide and she's all Wow youre so awesome you look like such a badass! I was just like nodding my head like yeah who runs this place? '("Yeah, who cares about Pinkie Pie, anyway? I need to see the ruler of this place, even though I might be killed by her guards for trespassing!")' Shes all Celestia and Luna the princesses. Im like I have to defeat them to become KING OF EQUESTRIA! '(To become king, you must marry one of the two princesses. You must also wait for the current king & queen to die, to put the event into the least malicious situation. To continue your family status of royalty, you must have sex with your royal spouse to make babies who will become princes/princesses of the land, and the cycle goes on. Isn't THAT some pleasant realistic thinking for you?) I put the pink pony on my back and flew to the canterlot castle and kicked down the door with my strong leg. '''(You know that you aren't playing Battletoads, right? You can't just give your Mary Sue protagonist powers out of thin air. Yes, I hate when pastas repeat information back to me, but if the information will be used later on in the story, then TELL US THE SUPER POWERS HE HAS BEFOREHAND!!!) I yelled CELESTIA WHERE ARE YOU IM HERE TO BECOME KING OF EQUESTRIA. (Right, because the guards won't think that you're trying to kill the princesses if you do that.) There was no answer (Of course there wasn't dipshit. Unless.....Oh god, there aren't any guards in the castle because the writer can't think realistically, are there?) so i used my magic to find celestia, (The Adventures Of Lightning Thundercrash! Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to gain superpowers because the plot demands it in a single second!) who was in another room making out with Luna (Don't you just LOVE character derailment?) 'and Im like aw shit thats hot '(*Satire of stereotypical cloppers*) 'but I have to defeat you both now. I blasted them apart with my magic horn '(Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's certainly flying, that's for sure! It's Lightning Thundercrash!) and slapped them with my wings and hen I kicked Celestia in the gut and pushed her into luna, who I kicked in the gut also. I defeated both of them and went to my throne until the pink pony stopped me and she like you cant be king of equestria (You know what? Pinkie's right! He can't be the king, because he has no relation to the royal family that included Princess Celestia & Luna! I can't believe it, but the writer FINALLY looked at the issue with dignity and intelligence through the characterization of Pinkie Pie!) 'you have to defeat ALL OF US! '(Oh. All of that stuff I said about Pinkie Pie just went to shit. She's just a generic peice of crap because the writer can't write for the characters that he created......................WHY ME?!?!?) Pinky pie (Wait, wait............HE KNEW PINKIE PIE'S NAME THIS ENTIRE TIME? OH, FUCK YOU!) 'showed me all of these ponies from ponyville behind her '(As far as I know, Lightning & Pinkie are still in the castle. So,........HOW did the other 5 main characters get behind her?) and said i had to defeat all of them and im like yeah bring it on. Rainbow dash came flying at me and i kicked her in her lesbian globes. (GLOBES?!? WTF ARE GLOBES?!?) Then twilight sparkle came at me and i headbuted her across the room and i was like IM THE MOST MAGICAL BITCH! (Fun fact: Bitches are female dogs. And Lightning has been a boy for the entirety of this story..........UNLESS WE USE FUCK LOGIC AGAIN AND SAY THAT LIGHTNING GOT A SEX CHANGE.) I hit fluttershy in the face (It's not nice to hit a girl. Especially if you're a girl yourself.) 'with my hoof and she cried as I ate her bunny riht in front of her. '(I'm pretty sure that if you ate wild, raw meat, you would get some exotic diseases.) I paused for a second to have sex with rarity (What's the point of having sex if you only do it for ONE SECOND?) 'and then i kicked her too with my magic blast '(And who, disguised as Michael, a mild-mannered, generic teenager, fights a never-ending battle for truth, justice, and a royal position as a king that he doesn't deserve in the slightest!) ' ' and i ate applejack because she is an apple after all. (Your knowledge of MLP: FIM cannot be surpassed, even though you said earlier that the 5 foes that showed up for battle were all ponies!) i also threw pinky pie put the window and she screamed as i sat on my throne. I was the KING OF EQUESTRIA!!! ("I looked at my kingdom ''' '''I was finally there To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air!") For my first order of busines I said that every pony in equestria has to learn how to use a gun and shoort things with it because now all ponies have to be badasses just like me Lihtning thundercrash. (Fuck friendship when you could shoot your enemies to death!) I got the biggest gun because i was the king and it was red and black and shot lihtning and fireballs and i would use it against any pony who tried to take my throne from me. (But couldn't you just use your fuck logic to defeat you enemies? You seem to be an expert at using it!) Then i gave rainbow dash a big black gun and she already knew how to use it because shes a lesbian. (please explain why Rainbow Dash is a lesbian using factual evidence provided for you through primary sources relating to MLP: FIM. Unless you think that being lesbian = comedy, which it clearly doesn't.) I gave pinky pie a chainsaw because that bitch was crazy (Person who likes to throw parties and have fun because YOLO = crazy bitch) '''and she could saw everything and it would be awesome. I gave fluttershy a squirt gun that shooted water cause she cant do anything else. Then i gave rarity a sniper rifle becasue she can kill people from far away and she wouldnt have to get dirty of anything and she really liked it and offered to make out with me because she was so happy '("You're so DREAMY, Lightning, especially after you raped me!") '''but im like no bitch i have to run a kingdom. And then i gave twilight sarpkle a handgun with a silencer because she wanted to be like a secret agent and im like okay thats pretty badass here take this handgun with a silencer. Last but not least i gave applejack a hunting rifle cause shes a southerner and really good at hunting things like apples. '(The only problem with giving Applejack that weapon is that, oh, I don't know, YOU ATE HEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!) Then i had everyone all gunned up and i told the rest of equestria to WATCH OUT CAUSE YOUR KING WILL KILL EVERYONE WHO REVOLTS! I got to stay in the castle the whole time and celestia was my own private sex slave and i got to keep her all the time for myself (Technically, if anyone found out about that, that would be a scandal on your part and you could get impeached/arrested for that, but I assume that the writer thinks that fuck logic triumphs in this scenario.) 'and she really liked it because it was me and i was the greatest of all time ever. '(Uh huh. Sure you were, Mary Sue.) I got luna to cook for me all these yummy ass foods and i ate all of them (The only product related to someone's ass is shit. So it seems that our protagonist loves to eat Luna's shit. I say go at it, because that's what you deserve.) '''and i ate all of the cakes in front of celestia and that bitch didnt get any. They were so tasty cause luna made hem(p)' and shes a really good cook and she lovd to cook for me because i was the king and it was an honor. '(I wouldn't be honored at all by your presence!)' And so I got to be king of equestria forever '(The protagonist of this story gets the HAPPY ending! Oh.....JOY!) and it eas awesome and i was immortal. '(You were immortal? Aw, that's a shame.) '''Meh meh meh '(.....What?) i need a thousand words (.....No, you really don't.) blah blah la la la (.....What the fuck is happening?) 'there we go i think '(HOLY FUCK I'M FINISHED. YESSSSSSSSSS!!! FUCKING FINALLY!!!) (So that was my first 3 in 1 rant on Behemoth, BROKEN, and King Of Equestria. Was it worth it? Well, seeing as how it took about 4 straight hours of typing, which took up even more of my time when I made my Sonic.exe rant, I think I'll stick to a maximum of two pastas per rant. This trio combined was so tedious, so misspelled, so unlikable, so horrid, so mean-spirited, so idiotic, so...Redstonejesus that if I say "so" one more time, my head will explode in a gigantic cloud of rage and malice thanks to this triple decker of terrible that made me insane! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get a can of Four Loco from 7-Eleven, because these pastas made me bring my addiction back! Or at least, so it seems! I'm the Creepypasta Critic, and if you forget my name, then I'll murder you slowly while you sleep!...................................WAIT I SAID "SO" IN MY SECOND-TO-LAST SENTENC- *KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*)